Its been awhile. What have i been up to? I am not really sure. Days passed by in a haze really. I remember meeting a friend for coffee on impulse. Had an interesting chat. When was the last time i did something on a spur of a moment? Plenty of times. These days i don't know what i am really thinking. I am grappling with the fact that perhaps i am more common than i think i am. I don't think deep thoughts. No insightful nuggets of wisdoms to share. Really plain. I can't even look at the everyday things that happened around me and try to derive some deeper meaning in them. I had dinner. Perhaps lunch. I worked. I came home. I slept. I drove to and fro. This is me. This is my life.

Is it important to have meaning in one's life? Another existentialistic train of thought? But really, i seldom go further than that. I thought that i needed meaning. Well, human beings need a purpose don't they? I thought i had some. Well, i thought. But these days, i don't think i do. I moved from moment to moment. No bigger picture in mind. I work for small goals. If you can call it goals. But there are times when i think there must be a bigger, grander meaning to my life. That will boost my ego. I looked for it half-heartedly during my spare time. Like now. But to be critical, there really isn't. I don't loom very large in the general scheme of things, of life. But then, majority of the people don't. Perhaps some of us would like to think that we are. Oh sure, we live for ourselves. I tell myself that to make myself feel bigger within my own self concept. Do others really care? Its pretty senseless. Such common drivel. I am common. You are common. Yet we tell ourselves that we are unique. No one is born the same. It satisfy my ego.

I make decisions based on what immediate or short term results i would get. The focus is narrow. How do i make it happy? Where should i stand? What should i say? What must i do? Little motions of the body and words being conveyed. Short term goals. Immediate reinforcement. Consequences. No bigger plan in mind.